I was having a conversation the other day with someone close to my age that is currently single and desperately wants to find their soul-mate. I was trying to be encouraging and offer some suggestions when they made a comment that shocked me. They said not everyone was as “lucky” as I was to have found my husband when I was fourteen and then live happily ever after.
I guess the shocking part is that this person has known us for decades and knows about some of the struggles we’ve been through that read far different from anything I’ve read in a fairy tale.
The word luck isn’t the adjective that comes to my mind. Our marriage has so many positive adjectives to describe it like faith, trust, compassion, growth, care, laughter, love, joy, etc. But there are other adjectives people tend to avoid when it comes to marriage talk. Words like: hard work, commitment, sacrifice, compromise, sickness, financial hardships, misunderstanding, disappointment, etc.
Too many marriages stop when life gets hard.
Staying married is a choice. It’s a choice we make every day. Some days that choice is harder than others. But the good news is there are things we can do to keep our marriages heading in the right direction and stay connected as a couple. It takes work – but everything in life takes work and marriages are no different.
A bit of a disclaimer.
Let me make a statement here before we go any further. I’m not talking about marriages overtaken by problems of a serious nature such as infidelity, addiction, abuse, or anything of that magnitude. Once problems develop into wounds that deep you need to seek godly counsel to help navigate and I’d encourage you to do so.
Today I’m talking about life situations we all face and coming out the other side with marriages stronger than ever.
My husband’s public confession.
About sixteen years ago my husband was speaking at a church and said he had something to confess. He hadn’t told me about this upcoming public confession and I was a bit nervous to hear where this was heading. He said he wanted everyone to know he had been having an affair with a young woman.
Then he pointed at me.
He said he didn’t care who caught us and didn’t care who found out.
His confession was met with chuckles from the audience and my blushing face but I found it so sweet and endearing that he was unashamed to tell others our marriage was a priority to him.
Our decision to prioritize our marriage.
Our “affair” actually started a few years before that announcement.
We had recently been through a very dark storm as a family where my husband was deeply wounded and my faith was shaken. I was leaning into the bitterness I was holding against those that had hurt us. My husband was trying to cope silently. It was pulling us apart. I began chasing dreams, climbing the ladder, whatever you want to call it, as a way to avoid dealing with the pain.
This wasn’t the first time we had gone through a rough patch. If we’re honest we all have to admit we’ve gone through those times. Some more significant than others.
Anyway, we decided to start regular date nights and we also committed to going away at least one weekend a year, just the two of us, to celebrate our anniversary. We couldn’t keep up with weekly date nights having two kids who were 12 and 9 at the time but we made time together a priority.
Fast forward to today
In April we celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary and I’m happy to say we’re still having this affair – and I truly believe it’s what has kept our marriage strong through the rough times.
Now we go away at least two weekends a year and we even throw full week vacations in there as well. (Yay for grown kids and an empty nest!)
Fairy tale? Far from it. But wonderful and more than I could have ever hoped for.
Do empty nesters need to work on their marriages?
You bet. Every married couple does.
The empty nest season of life has so many new opportunities and wonderful additions (like grandkids – did I tell you I have three grandsons?!?!) but it also comes with its share of new struggles like:
- Career pursuits
- Planning for retirement
- Health concerns
- Care for elderly parents
- Adult children who need help through their struggles
- Relocation decisions
You see, every stage of life has its share of joy and its share of problems so working on keeping your marriage healthy at every stage of life is important.
Here are four reasons why I think you should have an affair with your spouse too!
- You need time alone with just your husband to pray, share your faith, dream, find new hobbies, share your views and opinions, and simply enjoy being together. Making time for each other keeps you connected and growing together in your values and dreams. The empty nest years are a great time to pursue opportunities you may have put off while you were raising kids! But it can be easy to slide into too many independent pursuits that leave your spouse out. Find some things to do together!
- Your kids and grandkids need to see God honoring examples of a romantic relationship. Let’s face it; they don’t have many great role models out there to choose from. Kiss each other good-bye and be excited to see him when he comes home again. Show your spouse and your family that he holds a very important spot in your heart.
- Life and relationships can become routine and mechanical at times. When you add elements of adventure and risk it can breathe new life into the marriage. Sneak around together. Anyone who needs you can reach you by phone any time at all – so run away – at least for an hour from time to time to just be kids again. Go get ice cream or grab some snacks and have an impromptu picnic. Play hooky from life for just a while – together! Don’t keep things G rated either. Physical touch and intimacy are so important in marriage. If we ever run into each other make sure you ask me for a few good ideas. (My kids read this blog sometimes so I’ll stop there.) 😉
- You need to feel like you’re each other’s favorite person. At the start of a new relationship part of the fun is when you’re learning about each other and trying to win each other’s heart. Well, even years later, a woman still needs to feel like a princess and a man still needs to feel like her knight in shining armor. Put your phone down when you’re having a conversation and eliminate other distractions so your spouse knows you care about what he’s saying. Try to wow each other at times – you’re husband sees you get ready for work, church, or other gatherings and all the effort you put into it – he needs to know he’s worth your efforts too!
Your marriage should come second only to your relationship with God. I’ve seen too many couples put their kids or grandkids first. Giving them the spot God should have in your life is setting a bad example and will teach your kids to come running to you for help when they should be dropping to their knees in prayer first. Be sure your kids know God holds the #1 place in your life and dad’s #2.
