Keeping in touch after the kids leave home can be hard.
Some parents seem to maintain good contact with their grown children no matter what is going on in their life and how far away they happen to now live.
But most parents I’ve talked to find themselves missing the deeper, more frequent connection they had when their kids lived in their home.
If you feel like your adult child isn’t responding to calls and texts it can be painful and cause anxiety for the parent. If you’re not able to come to some sort of a new plan for connection you could begin feeling sad and soon resentment may creep in.
If you feel that your relationship with your child is lacking connection, here are 5 ideas to help you reconnect in a more positive way:
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1. Keep Phone Calls Positive
When you see your child’s name pop up on your phone as an incoming caller do you feel happy and excited to talk to them or do you feel a little dread thinking about what they may be wanting or needing from you? What about your child? How do you think they feel when they see your name pop up?
Make sure you’re not using every phone call as a means to remind your child of something coming up, lecture them about something you feel they need to do or change, or bring up a stressful situation. Being able to listen without being judgy or having to interject your opinion on everything they say will allow them to open up further.
If you notice your child is letting a few more calls go to voice mail stop calling as often. Give them some space by cutting down the frequency of the calls until you note there are more positive interactions occurring than negative ones.
Even in the midst of family drama or disagreements, try to find reasons to call your child and talk to them without bringing up the item of stress. If your child brings it up, try to note their reason. It may be something they need to discuss or they may be trying to start something. If you feel they’re being combative, suggest you end the conversation and pick it up at a later date.
2. Remember a Few Simple Rules for Social Media Contact
Whether you look at technology as a blessing or a curse, the truth is tech rules when it comes to quick, frequent communication.
The promise of closeness and 24/7 access leave our younger generation with a tainted view of connection.
For some, following our kids on social media may be hard to resist and may feel like the equivalent of finding their journal when they were younger. It’s easy for young adults to post memes or share quotes that we may feel are directed at us when in reality we may have been the furthest thing on their minds at the time they posted it. Also, seeing pictures of your kids participating in things you’re not thrilled with can leave your heart hurt or give you feelings of failing as a parent.
Finding the right balance of social media interactions is key. Try to keep these 5 things in mind:
- Avoid posting memes or quotes that are meant to make a direct statement to your child. Drama and confrontations should not take place on social media and one ill-placed meme could set off a rough response.
- Avoid tagging your kids too often. A sweet sentiment or old photo of a great memory is wonderful now and then. But if they log in to find 50 things they’ve been tagged in it all becomes white noise and is easily disregarded and deleted.
- Don’t expect immediate replies. The downside of today’s technology is that we have the potential to talk with our loved ones any time and from any place. But remember, part of you going out on your own meant chats with your parents were limited. This allowed space for you to learn to maintain your own schedule and mature when it came to managing your life. Although it’s possible to get a hold of them at any time, it’s not what’s best. It’s time for them to spread their wings.
- Think twice before adding your kid’s friends on social media.
- If you happen to be “friends” with your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend, consider “unfriending” them if they break up and go their separate ways. Even if you were quite fond of their significant other and believe they are totally harmless, remaining social media friends will give the ex the ability to stalk your child through your pictures, etc.
3. Send a Text or Message Instead of Calling
The odds are your grown child spends more time tapping away on his/her smartphone than they do in actual conversation.
Consider sending one positive text a week without expecting a response. Don’t end with a question just end with – “love you, mom.”
Like I mentioned with the phone calls, be sure your texts stay positive and keep them short and sweet! Texting is more like passing a note and less like writing a letter.
LRN 2 TXT. Be sure you’re not writing long paragraphs with perfect punctuation. That’s not the role of texting. It’s for quick, consistent open lines of communication where responses are shot back to you between classes at college, dinner with friends, or on their lunch hour at work.
Don’t follow up with negativity or begin sending multiple messages over various social media channels when they don’t respond. Over time, they’ll begin to see you just want to offer support and encouragement and as time goes on, the frequency of the communications may increase.
4. Watch for Connection Clues from Your Child
As hard as it is to watch our kids go through difficult times without stepping in to help, you have to allow your child the space they need to sort out the challenges of adulting on their own.
They may not be trying to avoid you at all, they may just need to sort some things out and will bring you up to speed when they feel ready.
If an unexplained length of time goes by and you’re beginning to worry about your child, start by shooting them a text asking them to check-in and let you know they’re ok. Assure them you’ll give them space, you just need to know if they’re ok.
5. Don’t Expect All Your Kids to Desire the Same Amount or Types of Communication
You already know how different your kids are – the way they communicate with you after they fly the nest will be different too.
One may text more while another prefers chats. One may check in every day and one may go a week without.
It’s not important to keep the amounts of calls and texts equal. What’s important is that each child knows you love and support them and you’re there when they need you.
